What are my thoughts?
First thing is that I don't know if it's mature or immature that I feel steady at this point in time. You know, calm yet aggressive and always thirsty for more. Compared to other people of my age, I seem to be living a quite luxurious life. I am financially independent, I live alone. And apart from that my job is constantly getting exciting. I feel like I am growing in my craft. I consider myself as a young person inside and out. And despite my being big boned, ehem, I am getting some. Yet, however, I don't feel like going to a church to pray for some guy to whisk me out of my universe err my creative world and my country or my steady lifestyle. In short, I don't think being in a relationship or settling down and getting married at this age is the end all or be all of a successful young adult life. And I resent it. My thoughts and my dreams are always centered towards my job and my career, in progressing, in being independent, in earning enough money to invest and to chill and to give all the many different kinds of luxury to myself and then my family. This is a selfish life. And I am living it. And sharing it to a person I love is unthinkable at the moment. Which, if I had to submit to that life, it will be something I will resent in the future.
What are your thoughts?
Maybe because I want to get immersed and get married to my art. My art meaning, my passion. That before I could possibly share my life to someone, I want my identity to be whole. Not just whole, but for my identity to be indestructible. Right now I have my own tastes, my own dreams, places I want to go to, experiences I want to try for myself. And it seems impossible for me to give that up right now. I always consider myself able to choose a path and stick with it, figure out things, discover places and things by myself. Am I a plain loner or do I value independence that much?
When I read and or interact with people, I always get impressed with single women - independent women who are artists - writers, painters who are way past their marrying age. And I live in an industry with a lot of them. Truth is, it is normal to meet a 30 something single woman who is a writer. While they get mushy most of the time, they are able to channel their energies into their passion. They still yearn to settle, but they do not really think that being with someone is the defining thing in their lives. They live with a mission other than to support their families and parents - They are just able to carve a name in the industry they are in, and are able to influence people in a potent way.
When I look at these women, these accomplished women who love with their own missions - women who write for television, or for a book or for a the paper, I sometimes ask what do they have to give up or to sacrifice in order to get there? Did they actually give up romantic relationships, possible marriage or motherhood to be able to live a fruitful creative life?
However, some women are lucky to live a creative life, and have a rightful partner in the process. Some can actually have it all.
A blog I read about a thirty something writer says - one has to love herself, be herself, and excel alone before deciding to marry. And not just with anyone. It has to be with someone who is an intellectual equal.As of today I can say I'd choose a productive creative life than to settle with a partner who is less of a person than me.
These are my thoughts on April 1st. My birthday is on the 25th. I could change my mind. But til then... ;)
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